Continuing my series of posts revisiting the Star Wars prequels, here’s a “live blog” while watching Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Here’s a link to the previous post for Episode I (Revisiting the Star Wars Prequels – The Phantom Menace).

Was anyone actually surprised that Amidala was Padme, the “decoy” queen in Episode 1? I doubt it and it hurts the opening assassination attempt because we already know that Padme didn’t die. Missed opportunity.

Anakin’s introduction in the elevator and the attempt at some banter really showcases the lack of charisma between he and Obiwan. Hayden Christiansen acting hamstrings the entire prequel trilogy.

I love the emperor’s little conversation with a “greedo” guy. That was a fun nod to the original series and it’s nice to know that the emperor can speak that language as well. Not sure how but…

Zan, the bounty hunter tasked to send in the worms to Amidala’s room, looks horrible. Perfect makeup, no dirt on her clothes, a beyond-young looking face, none of it works. What a horrible choice. And then the only thing she does is put the worms into a droid that actually delivers them. Why couldn’t Jango do it himself then? Laughable.

Why did the droid wait around after the worms were delivered I wonder? Was it confirming the kill I guess. Certainly, made it easy for Obiwan to grab it and then stupidly, it flies back to its owner!!!

The chase through Coruscant for some reason reminds me of American Graffiti a little bit. Maybe it’s because the ship they fly looks like an old corvette and there’s lots of neon. One thing’s for sure, Haden’s delivery of “joke” lines and banter doesn’t work at all. Just terrible.

Ben Burt’s sound design for the sequence is probably my favorite thing about this car chase. Such great sounds for all the speeders and ships flying by. He’s such an unsung treasure for this series.

Anakin says “Master” WAY too many times. Nearly every sentence he speaks to Obiwan, he ends with “Master.” Super annoying.

At least Obiwan’s lines work most of the time. “Where are you going Master?” “For a drink.” Good deadpan delivery. Not a fan of the “deathsticks” lines but they almost work.

Why do the Jedi suddenly believe in the prophecy about Anakin? They reluctantly let him get trained but now they are counting on him to bring some strange “balance” the force but it is not clear what is out of balance any more than usual. And while I’m on the subject,

Anytime Anakin is on screen, the film is worse for it. Hayden is horrible beyond belief. I can’t think of a worse choice for the role.

“Please don’t look at me like that… it makes me feel uncomfortable.” George really needed more time on the script. So much of the dialogue is really terrible.

Continuing the American Graffiti theme, we even have a diner that Obiwan visits an old friend in (but there’s no set up so it makes no sense why Dex is a friend and why he is an expert on “toxic darts”).

When Obiwan tries to find Camino, he goes to the library. Why is the librarian so snooty and sure that something does not exist if it isn’t in their database? It’s just data. There must be tons of mistakes and incomplete records. Why wouldn’t she react by being concerned they are missing something? Seemed weird.

Every time Anakin and Padme are on screen together, trying to strike up a romance, I die a little bit inside.

Why is Yoda on “youngling duty?” He’s the most powerful Jedi in the order but they have him doing kindergarten with the kids?

CG Yoda is getting old. Every movement just drives home that he’s not a real creature but a computer animation. The technology was just not ready to move away from puppet Yoda (although there was no way to do what they needed to do with puppets).

Very heavy-handed dialogue. “The day we stop believing in Democracy is the day we lose it.” Come on…

The film picks up considerably once we leave the disaster of Anakin and Padme’s love affair and just get to be with Obiwan for a bit on Camino. The Camino scenes are intriguing and really “feel” like Star Wars.

How did these people on Camino go for over 10 years, making clones without any contact? Were they paid up front? Didn’t they have logistical problems that had to be discussed with their employer? They didn’t even know Master Sifo-Dyas was dead! Regardless of these questions, the Camino scenes with Obiwan are one of the shining moments of this episode.

“I don’t like sand. It’s course, rough, and irritating and it gets everywhere.” That may be the most infamously bad line in the entire prequel trilogy.

What does Padme see in Anakin? He’s grumpy, clueless, doesn’t even have a basic understanding of how government works, and is much younger than Padme, yet she’s falling for him?

The CG of Anakin trying to ride on the top of that weird beast is the worst of the whole film. George should have cut that scene. Looks horrendous.

The Empire Strikes Back is such a contrast in quality to this “middle” episode of the prequel trilogy. Whereas we have characters under attack and in immediate conflict the entire time of Empire Strikes Back, here we have a badly handled love story and more vignettes of the “phantom menace” that we are still hearing about but don’t fully understand.

Those sounds effects of the explosions in the astroid field are amazing. I am disappointed that we went “back to astroids” for this film after we had already seen astroids done well in Empire Strikes Back but those sounds effects make me happy.

Up until this point, Boba has been quiet and passable. Now we get a bunch of bully kid talk that’s like nails on a chalkboard. In a few minutes of screen time, the mystique of Boba Fett is completely ruined.

Good to see they’re still serving kool-aid at the Lars residence on Tatooine but it looks like they are doing red instead of blue flavor today.

Why are the sand people keeping Shmi a prisoner? They kill everyone else. Also, Anakin finds her way to easily. It feels like a throwaway scene and it should be absolutely critical to Darth Vader’s character arc. And then she dies within a few minutes of finding her? How convenient… Then we get a cutaway as Anakin slaughters the sand people (who we hate anyway).

Anakin brings his mother back, all wrapped up like “here’s your dead wife…” then tells Padme he killed the whole village and how does she react? She likes him more. She has major issues. Besides, why does Anakin suddenly care so much again about his mother? He hasn’t seen her in years and never even talked to her, but now… he’s obsessed with her?

Anakin’s tantrum “Obiwan is holding me back,” is up there as one of the worst line deliveries of the series.

Christopher Lee is such a welcome addition to this series. He brings a lot of gravitas to this episode (that is badly needed).

Jar Jar continues his idiocy by giving all power to the supreme chancellor, thus dooming the Republic in one moronic speech in front of the Senate.

I do like that Dooku tries to recruit Obiwan, keeping the typical scenario that the apprentice Sith tries to overthrow his master.

The battle in the factory is pretty well shot, with some interesting camera angles, and creative action. The color palette and art direction remind me a bit of Temple of Doom actually.

The whole C-3PO comedy goes on too long and gets progressively more ridiculous. Also, finding out R2-D2 can fly creates more questions about the later episodes than it answers.

The arena scene is great Star Wars action in the vein of Flash Gordon and Clash of the Titans. The beasts are unique and threatening and the CG isn’t too bad in this scene. This is one of the only other parts of this episode I enjoyed.

For as powerful a Jedi as Dooku seems to be, he sure didn’t “sense” Mace or the other Jedi coming into the arena. It was nice to finally see Mace do something besides just agree with Yoda and that large-scale Jedi battle was something we hadn’t seen before in the series. Still not as good as the Clone Wars series but fun nonetheless.

Yoda takes so long to say his “backwards” sentences that he nearly dooms the entire Clone army’s mission. He really needs to get his “basic” down better.

It’s kind of creepy that Boba picks up his dad’s severed head and puts it up to his own forehead in mourning.

How many times can they tease the Death Star plans? I guess George really felt his audience wouldn’t get it otherwise.

Some interesting ship designs in the final Clone battle that do a good job at teasing later Empire designs.

This lightsaber battle between Anakin and Dooku doesn’t even come close to the Darth Maul fight in Episode I. Even when Yoda shows up (which is a huge crowd-pleaser), it can’t compare to the amazing choreography of that Phantom Menace sword fight.

Dooku’s sail ship is staggeringly impractical but it’s, at least, a cool idea.

It’s interesting that Anakin chooses a gold replacement hand when he later decides to go black instead with a whole new body. Maybe a nod to his creation, C-3PO?

And once again, John Williams’ score saves and elevates countless scenes in this episode.

My overall opinion of Episode II is that it’s the worst episode of the prequels. Nearly a disaster from start to finish and so much less polished than Episode I. We’ll see if Revenge of the Sith can top The Phantom Menace in my next post in this series.